That’ll Teach You…

I have to laugh — and you will too in a minute.

On Friday at my Aunt Jenny’s nurse graduation party in Lansing, my Aunt Jill asked me ‘so, how’re you feeling’ and the look on my face MUST have given me away. She started laughing and said ‘now you know how I felt!’ (she nearly died a few years ago and has since recovered, but it was a looooonnnng road to recovery).

Anywho, we started laughing about how the next time someone asks me that, I should have a canned line ready to go, like ‘well, a little gassy’ or ‘totally constipated’ or something like that. If people are going to ask, then hey, I’ll tell them.

Jon’s Mom, Karen, asks every time I see her how I’m feeling. I love that I see her a lot, and I love that she cares enough to be concerned and ask. But, the answer’s been the same for nearly 17 weeks “Great!”. So, at dinner on Sunday night with Karen and Big John, Jon’s brother Rick and his girlfriend Jen, Karen walked right into my ridiculous plan. And it. was. funny (at least to me).

When the ol’ question came around and I looked at her and said ‘oh, a little constipated but the stool softener seems to be helping.’ Jen’s eyes got SUPER big and Jon’s Dad just started laughing. Jon was embarassed of me and couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. I explained to Karen how it was getting old when EVERY SINGLE person asks you that, so I’ve decided to be honest.

For the sake of cataloging it, here are other responses that are honest and I could try out if you happen to ask me how I’m feeling:

“My tailbone feels like you could rip me in two if you pulled on it.”

“Really craving alcohol or beer, an Oberon with an orange slice and a Bacardi and Diet Coke”

“Bummed about not sleeping on my stomach anymore”

“Shocked that ‘sucking in’ doesn’t change the way my stomach looks these days”

“Oh, really enjoying holding my pants together with hair ties”

“Hoping that you don’t insist on touching my belly next…I don’t look pregnant at this point, so this is just the way I look. Do. Not. Touch.”

Which brings me to: several folks this weekend at the parties we attended insisted that they ‘had to touch the belly’. Ok, weird. Just weird. I only pseudo-know you and you have to touch my belly? I’ve always kind of had a personal space issue (New Year’s resolution one year was to be more of a hugger) and now, people are going to want to touch my stomach? I mean, I’m not even comfortable touching other people’s bellies, why do some people think it’s ok? If there was something to feel, then I’d grab your hand and say ‘hey, feel this’ or if I want you to touch it, I’ll ask you if you want to, and we’ll go from there. But touching my stomach without giving me a heads up? Not sweet.

So, perhaps I’m being a total bitch about this (yes, you can nod along here) but I’ve got to come up with something creative to keep hands off of me (without wearing the one t-shirt that says “Hands Off” …). Any fab ideas, world?

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