Things I Thought While…

…painting the bathroom. Which I did for hours tonight (it was well-ventilated and low-odor, so it’s fine if you were thinking of being all ‘you’re pregnant, you shouldn’t’)

I entertained myself (no tunes going for whatever reason) with the following internal dialogue:

– I wonder if Arnold Schawarzeneger has tried to call his kids and they don’t pick up. You would think everyone picks up for the Terminator, but…I bet his kids aren’t. Also, has his agent told him that his Hollywood career will tank if he tries to go that route? Women are pissed at him.

– I wonder if Maria Shriver bought Christmas presents for the housekeeper’s kid all those years. What a slap in the face (amongst all the others).

– Why didn’t that housekeeper OWN UP to what she’d done ever/before? How in her right mind did she keep working there?

– Do you think Maria Shriver said ‘kids, we’re Kennedy’s we need to handle this like Kennedy’s’ or do you think Sargeant Shriver outlawed that sort of saying back in the day ‘We’re SHRIVER’s goddamnit!’

– Where the hell is Jon?

– Should I eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch for dinner? Probably not the healthiest thing, but it sounds pretty good and I don’t want the milk to go bad.

– I wonder if, at the baby gender reveal next week, I set out a sweet spread of food but put out item identifiers with my fabulous food if people will make fun of me or think I’m an awesome hostess. Either way I’m doing it (or have the best of intentions of doing it) and we’ll see what happens.

– I can’t believe that Jon claims he sanded these walls. These walls aren’t ready for paint. I could stop and do some sanding…orrrrrrr I could just keep painting. Yup, we’re continuing with the paint.

– Do I even like this color blue?

– Man, this carpet is dirty in here. I wonder if the carpet cleaner I borrowed from Grandma today will get this clean? Why the HELL is their carpet in a bathroom? Do I think Jon will flip a lid if I say I want new floor in here before the party? Yes, yes I do. But, I want new floor in here before the party.

– If I weren’t 18 weeks pregnant right now, would I fit between this wall and the toilet seat any better, with a paint brush in my hand? No, I don’t think so.

– These countertops look even worse than they did with the ugly iridescent wallpaper and than they did with the ugly walls pre-paint. Oh well, own it.

– Really am going to have to strategically hang some mirrors and pictures in this room. Bad walls. There was a reason for the iridescent wallpaper.

– This paint-and-prime in one is the SHIT! I wonder if I’m doing it wrong or if this paint really is that much thicker than other stuff. I swear, I have to dip this brush way more often than normal. Or, I’m just nearing expert status when it comes to painting things.

– Let’s hope no one looks up, straight ahead of them, or in the mirrors to evaluate my painting techniques.

– Ok, I’m getting tired…only…shit…another quarter of this tiny little room to go. How can a bathroom seem so gi-normous??

– No, Jon, I know that it’s late. I know it doesn’t have to all be painted tonight. Oh, you’re going to bed?? Oh, ok, well, I’m just going to keep painting. Yes, I know it doesn’t have to be done tonight, but please tell me…when will it get done, then?

– Ass.

– I’m a much better cleaner-upper than Jon is. Use this for not-painting leverage next time.

– I hope that Maria Shriver is in Hyannisport…is that even where Shriver’s go?

See, this is my train of thought while painting. This is also why I am able to handle long, long stretches of driving.

Til next time, friends.


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