It’s not like I was an uber-skinny before I got pregnant. I wasn’t even in that great of shape. I would say that prior to peeing on that stick, I wasn’t feeling that great about the condition I had allowed my body to get itself into. I was pushing the boundaries of my size-12 jeans…but I could find a way to loving my body when I needed to.
But then, I got pregnant. I stopped drinking and ate a little bit better than normal. And I swear, I lost weight that first two months. And then, as cataloged here, I gained weight but not much. And as we know, I don’t make a habit of weighing myself. But, I’d guess I’m pretty close to pre-baby weight and if I’d eat just a smidge better, I’d probably be able to drop below that mark. I’ve been doing some running and more walking, but not much in the way of a dedicated workout program.
But today, I put on my size 12 jeans, buttoned them (sweet relief) and could still breathe. Success, right?
Why was so MUCH of my mid-section finding its way over the edge of my jeans? Ick. Ok, so I am not in a position to wear too-clingy shirts. Fine, I’m only verging on five weeks post-baby so that’s ok. Right? But…still. I am only briefly looking at my body in the mirror when I get out of the shower or after I’ve dressed myself. I’m just not loving my body right now.
Which brings me to…I need to get there. I need to get to a place where I feel better about myself and my body. I want to do that not only as a mother, but also for me. I don’t think it’s good to not feel positive about your body – and I want to set an example…for Elle, for who knows who else. And, I also don’t want to go out and wonder if people are thinking ‘wow, she really let herself go’ (don’t deny it, we all think that about people who, well, frankly HAVE let themselves go, especially after a baby).
Why do we women do this to ourselves? For me, it’s about how I feel about myself. I’m obviously not an uber-skinny in my size 12’s – I’m thisclose to plus-size and if I were a model, I WOULD be plus size (six sizes ago). But, I want to be proud of myself, my brain and my body. I want Jon to find me attractive still and not be put off by any ick I pick up along the way.
And yet, sitting at home all day long makes it hard to not raid the cupboards for a sweet treat or to just continue to fill my mouth with food. I’m trying and I hope to catalog here my sweet success in getting below my size 12 pants and gaining just a LITTLE more confidence in the way I look in my jeans.
So, down with the muffins…and the muffin top!