I have never felt as bad about my body as I do this month. It’s the holiday season — the time for taking pictures to catalog life — and I am body-after-baby blues’ing.
I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard, not like I didn’t know it was coming.
There’s this tire around my mid-section.
I used to have a waist, which exists only in my mind, in the mirror after I exit the shower, which is when I concentrate on the part of my body that I think could be skinny(ish) — my waist — and not is next-door neighbor…my upper thighs, my abdominal section.
Again, I knew this was coming.
It’s just shocking how there’s truly not much you can do to prevent it.
Maybe the early-on breastfeeding helped to prevent this feeling at first, or maybe I was just so overwhelmed with motherhood that I didn’t notice how bad my body was. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m medically cleared (whew) to resume sexual activity with my man.Which means, at some point in the future, Jon’s going to see me fully naked again, with a body-after-baby and knowing what happens when a man and a woman, you know. Have sex. You know, pushing a seven pound, five ounce human out of your girl bits…? Yeah…so feeling good about my body or as a sexual being are, well, out the window.
And of course, Jon knows the right thing to say.
When I comment “I’ve never felt so bad about my body as I do these days” his reply is a simple shrug of the shoulders and popping another Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza with extra cheese – that I purchased at the grocery store for him – into the oven. You’re welcome. Don’t mind me, I’m just trying to avoid the carbs while you eat that delectable french bread pizza slice.
And why do I suddenly have absolutely NO self control? Like, I can stay up late (as I am tonight) to ensure I post to my blog (which is important to me) and to pack Elle’s bag for her mini-vacation to Aunt Jill’s for the day tomorrow, but I can’t seem to avoid a sweet treat or a second helping of Zehnder’s noodles.
My butt is filling out a pair of pants like never before, my ankles are thicker than I recall them being able to get. They were skinnier than this at my fattest day pregnant. And yet, my body feels beyond my control. Is it a membership to the YMCA 12 miles away that does it, that pushes me over the edge back toward regular sizes? Is it the MAAC down the road? Is it working out on my own?? Or is it a slow death into the aisles of Lane Bryant, feeling awful trying on pants at Old Navy AND Ann Taylor?
I was thinking that an October baby was the way to go…the only problem with that is that two weeks shy of returning to work (and the clothes wardrobe that goes with it) I have to battle 18 Christmas parties, cocktails that I haven’t been able to indulge in in over nine months, and catching up with people and meeting new people as I’ve joined all these community organizations during my maternity leave.
So – what to do?
To not eat, to exercise more. to eat less, to not eat a sweet treat, to not drink pop, to limit the amount of coffee I’m drinking each day, to try out those Green Shakes people keep raving about on stupid Facebook. Yes.
All of it.
I’m going to do all of it.