Sometimes, There are No Words

Seriously, there really are no words sometimes.

Andrea – my bestie whose Dad passed away two months ago – lost her 24-year old brother on Sunday.

Her same-age-as-my-brother brother.

Her grew-up-on-the-same-lake and -same-hometown as my brother brother.

Jeremy had stumbled into his own dark places and battled himself in a forest of drugs and alcohol and depression. And it caught up with him quickly. And it makes me so, so sad and so, so mad.

I don’t really want to write about it. So, I’m just going to write about all the things I’ve thought about and haven’t written about lately…just to get it all out of my head.


I spent the last two days in the Chicago-area for work and last night was the first night that Elle spent overnight without either Jon or I. She stayed with my Mom and Dad. I wasn’t worried or concerned in any way — but the preparation to get her ready to go was taxing.

I had to pack her bag with an outfit for school yesterday, an outfit for today, two extra outfits, two sets of pjs, enough diapers for two days, enough formula for two days, enough clean bottles to start with, 10 bibs, wipes, some creams for the ridiculous itching caused from the constant drool on her shirt. The stroller, the car seat base, the car seat. The medicine. Not to mention the itinerary for the week that I made and emailed to Jon, my Mom and Dad and his Mom. And the two day ‘overview’ that I typed up for my parents so they had a general idea of what to expect from Elle.

Before I could hop in the car and leave on Tuesday morning, I also had to make sure the garbage was emptied throughout the house (was only moderately successful – too time-strapped to check ALL of the bins) and out to the side of the road. I asked my brother to make sure that he brought the garbage can in from the roadside yesterday. Only, I arrived home to it in the ditch.


And due to the timing of it all, I wanted to get the memorial slideshow/video for Andrea’s brother done before I hit the road, which required my attention and I wanted it to be – well, right – because it’s the small thing I could do.

Anyway – in the meantime, there are dirty dishes EVERYWHERE in this house, I swear. There are bottles that need washing, the floor needs swept, there are random piles of dirty clothes in strategic locations in the house where I believe I will walk by and pick them up again and it will be less work. Unfortunately, this just creates multiple piles of dirty clothes throughout my house.


Being a Mom all on your own is NOT easy friends. I mean, my parents and Jon’s parents are just down the road from us. I’ve got TONS of help. But there’s something different to it when you’re doing it solo. Turns out I don’t give Jon enough credit (do NOT tell him that) for being that extra set of hands. Granted, I now have the baby in bed, I have the car semi-unloaded from the trip and Elle’s overnight. But, I didn’t give her a bath tonight (and she’s got school tomorrow – what if her ears are dirty!!?) and I didn’t do up the entire routine. I was simply too tired. Maybe a different night.


I think I’m going to seek out someone to clean my house. Well, at least the floors and the bathrooms. I like having a clean house, I am having a hard time keeping up with ALL of the cleaning it requires and the laundry, and the yardening that I am trying to do. And Jon’s out of town and hopefully on the cusp of working LOTS of hours! So, I just know I can’t keep it up all on my own; so I’m going out in search of someone to clean my house. My intention is to find someone who will come once every few weeks and do the floors and bathrooms and then we’ll see if I need to increase the frequency or the amount of help I’m asking for. Not sure. But, I’m really REALLY glad that I’ve just made this executive decision.


I hate filing. I hate all the bills that you need to keep (why, again?) in files in some semblance of order. I seriously have a stack approximately two feet high right now, that needs filing. I keep putting ‘filing’ on my list of things to do. It’s the easiest one to procrastinate and in doing so, the pile just grows in size. I actually PAID a student worker at my first ‘real’ job out of college to file all my work stuff for me. Just show up, make that pile there go away, into the files in this cabinet, in the way I have it organized. I seriously would pay the cleaning person to do that, too, I think.


Tomorrow is the funeral. I was struck by the fact that I’m not inspired to say something, anything. Typically, I always have something in mind that, given the chance, I would say about the deceased. But this time, despite the fact I’ve known Jeremy forever, despite the fact that he was so incredibly young, I’ve got nothing. I’m just so sad and actually speechless about the whole thing.


Well, I have to stop sitting her complaining about my dirty filthy house and DO something about it and I’m going to try to take a shower, too. Wild and crazy Wednesday night!



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