Letters to Elle: February 2013

Dear Elle,

I’m getting this one in by the hair of my chinny chin chin. It’s the last day of February, 2013 and I haven’t yet written to you, though I’ve composed this letter about a hundred times in my mind, watching you fall asleep each night, watching you play hide and seek, watching you develop and grow. But part of me wants so bad to be PRESENT in the moment, that I’ve gone on hiatus from social media’ing documenting the daily. I may regret it eventually, but I’m pleased with myself for living in the moment, for living the moments rather than capturing them…for all the sense that makes.

I look at the way you play — with me, with your Dad, with your Grandma’s and Grandpa’s and all your friends and it makes me so proud. You’re so smart and fun and funny…you get a kick out of things that make me laugh too — I’m glad we find the same sorts of things funny!!

You’ve entered a phase, at 16+ months old where you want to be independent and yet don’t at all. You’re interested in exploring, but want to stay connected. You have a daredevil streak in you. This has been the most trying time to be your Mom. You were a phenomenal baby and early toddler. But now — you’re a whole new ball game. You take our ‘chaos’ nickname one level further. Whether it’s knowingly, in the 10.3 seconds your diaper is off, when you walk to the edge of the rug and hardwood floor and proceed to pee down your leg and stare at the pee as it pools on the floor at your feet…or when you begin splashing and dancing in it in the 20.2 seconds before I whisk you away to a quick hose down…you are chaos.

Our morning routine is fun, most days, but some days you have a distinct mind of your own about how the morning is going to go. Those are most often the days I’m late for work.

You love books, of course. You also love the iPad and can figure out how to unlock it and do just about anything you want, including nearly buying in-app stuff the other day. The restrictions on that have been tightened a little bit.

You are so cool, really. I know all parents think that of their kids. But I really think it of you. You crack me up and make me laugh. I look forward to seeing who and what you’ll wake up as — happy and excited and fun or a little bit cranky. Will you have slept funny so your hair goes wild all over the place, or will it have gone pin-straight in the night? Will you have six binkies in your hands, or just one in your mouth? Will you wake up in the middle of the night or not? Will you want a bubba/bottle or will you just need a quick cuddle? Will your teeth have popped through and your smile be wider and brighter? Will you insist on brushing with the motorized or regular toothbrush? Will you use my toothbrush or yours? Will today be the day the bathroom mirror gets messed up with tiny handprints…or tomorrow? You are a puzzle, but one I look forward to the challenge of every minute.

You have taken to ‘cheers’ ing others with your sippy cup. Which means you can get those of us drinking ‘adult bevs’ quite drunk with your penchant for ‘cheers’ ing!!! You also very much enjoy hanging out with your grandparents. You built your playhouse the other day with your Grandpa Scott and you are quite enthralled with the playhouse now.

You are able to converse, in small ways. You know what you want and what you don’t and can shake your head accordingly. You weigh probably around 22+ pounds and you’re quite tall.

In the last month, you’ve helped to celebrate the birthdays of both Emmerson and Holden, which was a lot of fun.

As your Dad and I keep planning our wedding in two months, we ordered your dress (so freaking cute!) and your little slippers to go with it (again, too much).

I don’t know, girlie. You are just a ton of fun right now. I often feel like I’m not doing enough, like I could do more or better by you. I think the world of your Dad — he’s such a good Dad and you just find him to be the best guy in the world. As you should – for for always. Saturday I’ve planned a girls day just you and I. I haven’t had enough just you and me time lately — where I get to enjoy you and not battle you as I try to get ready for work. I’m looking forward to that in the next few days here.

I feel like I may regret that I haven’t taken as many pictures lately, that I haven’t blogged as much. But I kind of like what I said earlier even in this blog post. I’m making memories, not capturing them. I try so hard to imprint in my mind the things you say and do and try…and I know I’m missing some things, but I’m present for them in the moment and I guess that’s all I want for now. It’s a phase I’m going through — just like you’re going through a phase!! 🙂

I look into your eyes and I feel like most of the time I’m trying to look into the future, to see who you’re going to be and what you’re going to think or say or do. I am so thrilled to continue to discover the girl and woman that you’re destined to be.

Even tonight, as I rocked you to sleep and intermittently your eyes were either rolling back in your head fighting off sleep or focusing on my eyes, I felt that emotion you feel when you watch Free Willy when Willy looks into the boy (why can I not remember his name!?) and there’s this connection and it’s like they both just KNOW what the other needs/wants/feels. That’s dramatic, yes, but that’s how it feels with you, what it was like tonight and so many other nights. Sometimes, I feel like you can see through my facade better than anyone and it’s humbling and enlightening, all at once.

I’m so enamored with you — more so than at any other time in your life — and I just find it remarkable that together, your Dad and I created you…I feel like now that you’re YOU I have so much more respect for that process. This is the coolest time so far of being your Mom, even if it means cleaning up a lot of pee on the floor.

You’re phenomenal already. You fulfill me and my love for you overflows out my eyes.

As ever, girlie —

Mom

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