The Sting Sometimes

It’s Saturday morning and I’ve been up for an hour.

What. The. Heck.

I have a golf tournament I signed myself up for at 8 AM, I’ve made plans for Elle to go to my parents this morning so Jon has the luxury to sleep in (something he loves to do), and when Elle woke up at 4:45 AM, it occurred to me it might not be a bad idea to get out of bed and call myself productive. That, and the fear of over-sleeping got me up and moving. I’m still on only my first cup of coffee, but have managed to accomplish unloading and loading the dishwasher (thereby cleaning the sink), putting away a bunch of random stuff on the counters, cleaning the kitchen dining room, steam mop the floors, make Elle’s bed, pick up Elle’s toys and books in her bedroom, fold the used blankets in the living room from last night and…take out the garbage. Not bad for an hour’s worth of work well before the sun comes up. I wish I felt the urge to rise early other days than just my day off!

Elle and Jon are peacefully sleeping, and I’m trying desperately to get back in the habit of writing, so here I sit.

I hope to catalog the good and bad of most things…

So, here’s the sting of what it’s like to have been pregnant and no longer be pregnant without having a child…it’s like the pang of stubbing your toe, where it’s a sharp pain instantly, a dull pain for awhile, then it’s gone. That’s what it’s like sometimes when I see a a) just a little hint of pregnant woman or b) set of twins. It’s weird, because I’m not terribly sad about the miscarriage (which I feel is a weird word with a stigma that doesn’t lend itself well to saying out loud…it always makes me think of Nancy Grace saying something like ‘this has been a miscarriage of justice ya’ll’ or something equally as stupid. But anyway — it’s not a huge deal. It’s not like I don’t KNOW and comprehend that it’s all for the best. But, when you open your iPad and the reminder pops up that you’re 13 weeks pregnant…that sucks a little. Or when you start your period when you were supposed to be pregnant. I get sad that we’re not talking to Elle about being a Big Sister (which, the shirt I bought that says “World’s Best Sister” is in the drawer that doesn’t get opened much, but of course the shirt itself is bright yellow, so there’s always a hint of it sticking out somewhere). I feel like the calendar exists at the moment for me relative to would-have-been. Not all the time, but sometimes. Like, when I think of my brother-in-law and almost-sister-in-law’s wedding in September, I think ‘we would have known the gender of the baby(ies) then’ and I remember that I had been really concerned about making sure that we found out well before the wedding so that I would be able to focus on the wedding and not my sheer pleasure in knowing what was coming into our lives. Or, thinking about Christmas and about how I figured that this Christmas would be all about getting ready for the new baby(ies). And about the office room which was to become the new baby(ies) bedroom, which I’ve mainly left the door closed on and tried not to think about touching it much at all because I’d already sat in that room and envisioned what it was going to look like with the crib I’d imagined, with a rocking chair, with a new rug and paint on the walls.

And all those things will happen for us – I know they will – but there is a sting sometimes to actually living a life in which you’d made plans with someone in mind and then that’s no longer an option. In fact, it’s much like losing other people in my life that I’ve loved and known. And yet – I didn’t know these children, but I knew and fell in love immediately with the idea of them.

So, sometimes it stings a little (not a lot) but, here are things that I don’t find difficult at all: being truly happy for those people I know who are pregnant, being excited for getting pregnant again and welcoming another child into our lives. Those things don’t scare me or sting much. But some of the rudimentary, day-to-day stuff does. Weird, huh?

Anyway — I have signed myself up for a golf tournament at our course this morning. I haven’t played in many tournaments out here as a grown up. None, in fact. So this is a new thing for me. I’m hoping that my cart makes it around the course (we’re having a battery issue) and that I play relatively well. I played nine holes in a scramble format last night at a course in Frankenmuth with some work colleagues/friends which was nice, but wasn’t really a good prep for a tournament. But, hopefully we’ll be done by Noon and I can continue being productive on this Saturday.

This is the first weekend this month that we’re just sticking close to home. The first weekend was the 4th, and Elle and I went upnorth. The next weekend Jon and I went to Boyne for the weekend for Jason and Nikki’s wedding and last weekend was Jen’s shower at our house. Which means that Elle has been off schedule on the weekends (throwing off the week) for nearly a month. Hoping that that ends today.

Well, as a by-product of my golf outfit for the day, I really must go shave my legs.

Enjoy your day!

 

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