Week 15, Day 2

Due Date: June 22, 2014

Baby Developments:
 The average fetus at week 15 weighs 2.5 ounces and measures 4 inches — and his proportions are becoming even more normal, since his legs now outmeasure his arms.

Baby’s making lots of progress: His joints and limbs can all move now, and he might even be hiccuping in there. (From thebump)

Image

Weight Gain: Ugh. Not pretty. Holiday eating has the scale my enemy. And I have been absolutely NOT active in ages. So, weight gain…+10 total for 15 weeks. Not. Good. 

Cravings: None.

Symptoms: Tiredness. That’s really about it. 

I am loving: Finally being able to feel a distinct difference in the ‘bump’ that is starting to become more and more obvious. I’m looking forward to feeling those first legitimate movements. I would have sworn I felt flutters in week 13. And maybe a few here and there when I’m laying in bed at night, but typically I fall asleep fast and I don’t pay that much attention. So, I’m looking forward to that. 

Sleep: Lots, still. 

I miss: I missed partying it up with the family the other night at our house for Christmas celebration. We always have a great time partying together. But, my Aunt Jenny brought AWESOME drinks to make ‘virgin’ for me and I LOVED not being hungover the next day. I was so productive, I got all of our Christmas put away!!! 

I am looking forward to: Next doctor’s appointment on New Year’s Eve day; getting back to a normal schedule; getting our house re-arranged so that we can start getting really ready for another human to live at our house 🙂 

I am spazzing about: Getting everything ORGANIZED. Looking for apps or systems that will help me feel more in control of things. Not so much schedules, but the daily in’s and out’s of running a home when both parents work full-time. Would like to get some habits made now so it’s not ALL new when the new baby comes. 

Best moment of the week: So, so many with Christmas time here. Elle was a ton of fun and such a good girl throughout. She wasn’t whiny or clingy most of the time and she was just fun to be around. She wasn’t consumed by the presents (which she received TONS of, by the way) and she was just fun to share the time with. And, I like the distinct difference in my body of being pregnant – makes me feel more confident. 

Milestones: Not sure we’ve hit any. Only 25 weeks to go. Seems like not that much really. 

Movement: See above. I swear I felt some but probably was just gas. But – I’m still thinking I COULD and DO feel some small things here and there. On the whole, none to report though. 

It’s a….: healthy baby with a heartbeat!

Exercise: Not much.

Diet: Terrible throughout the holidays. 

Goals for the upcoming week: Get all Christmas GIFTS sorted and make a plan for what furniture is going to go where. It will likely need to get moved this coming weekend since Jon will have 3 days off in a row and that’s likely not going to happen again anytime soon. 

Daycare Is No Place For Politics

I had a troubling thing happen this afternoon, Election Eve.

Quite remarkably, I’ve avoided heated confrontation this election cycle. This is partially due to Jon’s calming influence on me (“it’s not worth it” he says) and partially due to age and perspective. Either way, I sort of stayed the course this afternoon (to use election-ease on you) and stayed true to myself at the same time. I am able to rest easy tonight.

I had today off, after working the weekend. I enjoyed my day, with Elle at school, truly doing mainly nothing. Jon heads to work at 6 p.m., so at about 4:15, I was off to pick her up from ‘school’ aka daycare.

Let me intercede and say that I chose Elle’s daycare because of its location – convenient – and my knowledge of its owner, who I went to high school with. I chose the daycare because the teachers, manager and owner seemed (and still do) truly invested in the care of my child. It was all run on the up-and-up. I’ve never really thought twice about Elle’s care there – other than the fact that they often call her Ellie (which I’ve asked them not to) and that it’s quite religious-oriented, which I am not comfortable with at all. But I ignore my misgivings about the praying before eating, the religious songs playing daily, the Christian rock station in the entry way, because I understand that no child care locale is perfect, and this is what I have to reconcile. These are my problems – not Elle’s, not the teachers or anyone else.

I didn’t know when I was looking at the daycare that it was so religious-based. Didn’t even know it while I toured it and spoke with the manager and owner. Only when I began the paperwork process did it allude to the Christian influences of my child’s care.

And despite my own beliefs, I chose to enroll my child there, because I wanted to begin building friendships with kids her age and with parents of kids her same age. I have envisioned my child sharing time and space and ‘we’ve known each other since pre-school’ stories with her peers as she’s graduating high school. I did not make my child’s daycare decision lightly.

But today…today my gut told me to look elsewhere. And all because of this $2 billion election and because men and women who normally agree on the majority of things have singled out the minority of things to disagree upon.

Today’s event: I got to Elle’s school at 4:15ish and followed another Dad into the room. Elle was thrilled to see me and me her. Her teachers told her they loved her, rubbed her back, updated me on her day. It was everything I would hope for my child’s care.

Everything.

And then, I went to the touch screen computer where I punch Elle in and out everyday (kind of like work, right?!). And there, attached to the counter, directly below the screen, was a print out.

This print out.

And my stomach turned.

In fact, ironically, it flip-flopped.

I was absolutely sickened by what I had seen. And I didn’t know how to react. I took a breath, I walked to the car with Elle in my arms, conscious of not embarrassing her or myself or Jon or our families who have to come in and out everyday.

I wanted to leave and drive home and let it go.

I truly did.

But I couldn’t.

I’ve felt silenced in this election, felt ostracized, felt sometimes as though my views should be hushed because it’s not worth the controversy.

And today was the straw.

I was sick that the employees of the SCHOOL where I send my child may be being bullied into thinking one way or another. I was sickened that the owners and management should be so absolutely biased – outwardly so – regarding their personal and business preferences. I was terrified that the views of the owners and managers – and thereby the school’s employees – would be transferred onto my child.

I felt as though school were a safe place.

I turned around, I punched my security code into the door and walked into the manager’s office.

“Ummm…” I started, unsure of what was going to come out next.

Rather ungracefully, I continued,”I’m really bothered by that list you’ve got at the computer…I’m just uncomfortable with it…”

The manager looks at me like a deer in headlights, as though she perhaps had never thought that there were people in the world who thought differently than her.

“I don’t know,” I say, throwing up my hands. “It just bothers me.”

And I walk out.

I didn’t have a tone. I wasn’t upset. I just wanted MY VOICE TO BE HEARD. Which is something that I don’t know will happen anywhere else this election season. It was that I considered Elle’s daycare a safe place — and today it wasn’t. It became just as ugly a battleground as Ohio.

I was upset. I was shaken. I came home and woke Jon and told him what had happened, and he told me that this is what we can expect, when political groups are encouraging employers to sway the votes of their employees. That this is the new normal. That Jon wasn’t upset I’d woken him attests to the fact that the situation merited being bothered.

I tell my Dad and my Uncle Bill. They shake their heads. But there is nothing to say.

I go to Jon’s parents, looking for guidance and insight I’m sure they can offer.

And there really isn’t any.

This is the climate of politics in our world today.

I decided I would sleep on it, I would decide in the morning if it warranted a note to the school’s owner. I didn’t want to react on emotion alone, I wanted experience, education and insight to guide my way. I did not want to embarrass anyone – my daughter, my fiancee, or the rest of our families.

And I returned home tonight, checked my email, already having the blog begun and the title of this blog post in mind.

And then, from the owner:

“I wanted to personally apologize for the front desk posting. I completely agree with you and I am thankful you voiced your concern to Bxxxxx. It was removed immediately.
Although we may want to support ending abortion that is simply not the time or place.

My apologies, “

I was heartened by her truly heartfelt and quick response. I was glad to have spoken up.

But that last sentence.

…although…support ending abortion…not the time or place…

I had actually hoped that I had been reading more into it being posted from “Right to Life” than was necessary. I had hoped that it was ignorance, where that posting came from, that it was just the website they happened upon. I was hoping it was complete naivete. I sort of hoped that they had simply printed any old email they’d gotten…but it seems it was on purpose. It was thoughtful, purposeful.

And it makes my body ache – almost more now, after reading the response. I believe that they love the children they care for. I believe they have the best in mind for the families they serve.

But what – what – do they hope to accomplish for the women raising and rearing the children they entrust to them the large part of most days? By forcing their views (in my opinion, by even HAVING those views on women’s reproductive rights) what do they do for the women they watch struggle to pay the daycare bill on time, get to drop-off and pick-up on time? Where does the absence of options get us in any situation, especially this one?

It’s not simply about me – it’s about respect for WOMEN – all women that walk through the door of your business. It is about understanding your role as a touchpoint of your local community. It is about having faith – true faith – in more than god and religion, but in the human condition and its resilience in the face of adversity – whether that is parenting or NOT parenting.

Out of curiosity, I looked it up. You can too, here.

There is no reason for this to be an issue that divides us, that triggers participation in your democratic duty to vote.

There is no reason for this to keep us up at night, for this to be the reason that an individual votes one way or another. But it should absolutely be the reason that you maintain your voice, so that if you encounter a situation like I did today, that you can speak up, you can voice your opinion diplomatically, and move on. And live to work and play together another day.

Perhaps Congress should take note.

And the politics should stay out of daycare.

In General, Today

Just a few thoughts top of head…

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. I was not here on the actual day to celebrate with Elle, but…such is my life right now. However, I got home today and started going through Elle’s lunchpail (it’s the thermal tote from thirtyone with her name on it, a gift from Molly). There’s a whole little white lunch sack folded up in the bottom of her lunchpail and I realize: IT CONTAINS VALENTINE’S.

Shit.

I saw the signs at the daycare when I was dropping off/picking up in the lead up to Valentine’s Day. I even thought ‘that’s nice that they do that for the bigger kids’ and went on my way. I got Valentine’s Day cards printed and mailed them (real mail!) to her friends and relatives. But I did NOT purchase the cliche box of Valentine’s and give them to the kids in the infant room.

So, I’ve been trying to decide if I feel like an asshole mother for not doing this. Will the other mothers judge me that their kid didn’t get the same amount of Valentine’s as they gave? Will their kid even know the freaking difference?! I guess I felt that I really was ahead of the game by sending out real live Valentine’s early…and then I return from the road today and just feel like a giganto-turd-Mom.

Oh well.

There’s always next year, I suppose.

~~~~~~~~~

I kid you not – I began thinking of things to do for Elle’s first birthday party (mark your calendars friends and family, October 13, 2012 is right around the corner). [Elle’s birthday is definitely the 14th, but I already evaluated dates and the 13th is it].

Seriously?

Seriously.

And then I tried to minimize my own judgement on myself by thinking ‘well, if I decide on a theme NOW I can pick up items on sale/clearance as I find them’. Which sounds good IN THEORY but I’m not a huge bargain shopper and have a tendency to change my mind. So it’s much more likely that I’ll just wind up with party decor for three different first birthday parties.

I even went so far as to Google the football schedules for Michigan/Michigan State to see if Elle’s birthday could have a football rivalry theme (nope – Michigan play Illinois; Michigan State plays Iowa).

~~~~~~~~~

I get to meet Holden this weekend (I’m hoping!). A fresh, new, cuddly little guy. So excited to meet him!

~~~~~~~~~

Last night, my Mom was watching Elle because Jon had a meeting to go to. Jon had called my Mom earlier in the week to coordinate this plan – which I was so proud/glad that he had done.

I called my Mom earlier in the day while she was still at work and asked her if she would call me later, when she was with Elle, so I could talk to Elle before she went to bed.

My Mom called me on her way home from work to catch up and say she was on her way to see Elle (who was with my Dad and Grandma) and have dinner. I asked her again to call me later on and she says she will.

I watch the clock. It’s 7 p.m. so I go to the gym at the hotel. I get in a 30 minute work out and figure that I’ll hear from my Mom any time. I wait. I text ‘hey don’t forget to call me and let me talk to elle’.

Nothing.

I think, well, they did go to my Grandma’s for dinner, so they must just be hanging out…can’t believe that Elle’s not cranky for them.

Finally, at 9 p.m. (which is about an hour after Elle’s bedtime) I call my Mom.

She reports that Elle got a bath, got her medicine, is sleeping soundly…and I’m in tears on the other end of the phone, in a Homewood Suites in Indianapolis, hundreds of miles from my baby for the second night in a row.

I finally manage to collect myself enough to remind my Mom that she was supposed to call me and let me talk to Elle.

Silence.

She had TOTALLY forgotten.

I made my Mom feel bad (which was not the point, but it did make me feel better since I felt so rotten, at least I had someone else in the rotten trenches with me…) but I was so disappointed.

It’s SO FREAKING HARD to be away on all these over nights. I need to find a job that doesn’t require me to travel each week; find a way to be home, develop a consistent schedule for our family. But, I also need to pay the bills and this is the way. This is what it is. I have to do it. And it SUCKS friends. It totally SUCKS. I cry every night when I’m gone. I cry as soon as I get home and see my happy, smiling girl.

I forget that it’s only been about five weeks since I returned to work and I’m still working out exactly how this will play out…but it’s hard to be optimistic when I’m spending SO MUCH time away from my girl.

And then, you read those dumb baby websites and the emails you sign up for from them and they’re talking about perhaps the best way to celebrate your baby’s first birthday is with your FIRST OVERNIGHT away from your child.

HA!

If only.

If only.

~~~~~~~~~

That’s all – good night.

It’s Coming: Day in the Life Winter 2012

Hi guys.

My most popular post (most views ever in the history of my blog) came when I did a “Day in the Life” as hosted by “Navigating the Mothership“. Loved it and am going to do it again — and I’m inviting you to do it too.

Here are the rules/info for my fellow bloggers. Either way, it’s pretty cool to take a look at what’s going on in other people’s lives and appreciate the mundane and ridiculous of our lives in this huge melting pot.

You just have to pick a day between now and next week and share the link with Navigating the Mothership.

Do it – it’s pretty cool, and I always like an excuse to write!

L

 

I AM Losing My Mind

I had a conversation the other day with my friend Molly about our respective returns to work after our 12-week maternity leaves. I mentioned how I used to feel like I had my life together…that is, until I went back to work.

Never was this made more clear than Tuesday morning this week.

Monday was my first overnight away from Elle. I hated it, but it was fine, she was fine, Jon was fine. It all worked out. I woke up early Monday, drove to my account, spent the day and evening there and then headed to the hotel (with a quick stop at my favorite HomeGoods to pick up some guilt-toys for Elle).

I laid in that hotel bed and had a hard time falling asleep, but finally did (by putting Antiques Roadshow on my iPad and drifting off).

I woke up in the morning and got myself together. I looked in the mirror and realized I only had my right earring in.

Crap.

I began frantically searching the hotel bed, ripped all the sheets off. I ran my hands over the floor. Nothing.

I took the earring in my right ear out and put it in my bag.

Totally bummed.

Those are the earrings Jon got for me for Christmas a few years ago, that I wear almost every day. I dwell on it as one of those things that gets added into your day. Resigned to the fact that those earrings are no longer a pair.

I begin the drive home in the afternoon, from Indianapolis.

I wish the miles were shorter. Literally, I found myself wishing that.

I was SO excited to see my girl – I haven’t felt that much excitement in…I couldn’t even think of a time I felt that much excitement, honestly. Well, that’s not true. I know I have – but I just can’t remember when.

Anyway – I digress.

I get home and my girl is battling her cold (boo hiss) and I’m SO SO SO glad to see her. I don’t put her down for hours — she’s sick, and I’m feeling guilty for having been gone, and I just missed her and she’s so little and warm and cuddly.

I walk into our bedroom and set something on my dresser and notice, ah, what?

My other earring.

Yup, I had made it through an entire day AT WORK with just one earring, pirate style. I managed to NOT look at myself in a mirror (this is becoming a problem of mine) somehow from the time I left early Monday morning until Tuesday morning. And NO ONE told me I had lost an earring, either.

Anyway, I had lost my mind. I HAVE lost my mind.

It was all fine and dandy until I had to go back to work.

And now, I can’t seem to get it together it feels. Spinning, spinning, spinning out of control. I KNOW I’ll find a balance and a way to manage it all – but I haven’t yet.

Before I ended this, I actually checked both ears to make sure I put two earrings in today.

I did.

Ok, maybe I’m already making progress…or not – I did have to check.

 

Dear Elle: You’re Three Months Old

Dear Elle –

Well, today is your three month birthday.

Again, I did NOT bake you a cake. You seem pretty ok with that.

It’s so hard to believe that you’re three months old already, but you’ve changed so much in those three little months. I have to say, I’m just more and more excited to watch the girl you’re going to become, because already discovering you and your personality has been just so darn cool.

You started ‘school’ (aka, day care) this week. And YOU LOVE IT! It’s amazing, because it seems that there is a huge difference in what you know and how you interact with people in just this last week. Whether that’s a developmental coincidence or due to ‘school’ I’m not sure. But I for one am chalking it up to ‘school’.

While I’m certainly biased, you are also the best dressed girl at school. You’ve got a closet full of clothes and I’m dressing you up in them — because why not?! And you and that face, and that freaking smile?! It’s just too much and you melt everyone’s heart.

You found your hands awhile ago, but you’ve just in the last few days started reaching for things and, when you get them, refusing to let go. As a matter of fact, I watched your Dad try to pry a ball (one of your favorite toys) from your hands yesterday and it took him a long time. I thought to myself “just pull it away from her” and then, this morning, taking your 3 Month photos, I realized as you clung to the backdrop that it wasn’t that simple anymore. You’re getting stronger, you’re growing up!!

You are still helpless against the gentle rocking vibration of the car and pass out cold every time we get into the car. I’ve been taking you with me on walks and/or jogs around the golf course in your stroller and it’s pretty sweet. You just fall asleep and take a nice 45 minute nap and I get a little fresh air and exercise. All around, a pretty good gig.

Your favorite toys are Sophie the Giraffe, this little stuffed mouse we found at Ikea and this ball from Target with holes in that cost $3.99.

You are a HUGE fan of the bath. You are kick-kick-kicking and splashing up a storm. You dislike getting out of the bath and getting dressed, however.

We have sort of fallen into a routine at our house which consists of:

Hanging out throughout the day and pretty much you eat every three hours (give or take), you pee your pants (a LOT) and you HATE having a wet diaper so that whole 8-10 diaper a day thing is more like 15 with you. Then, you take cat naps throughout the day with one 2-3 hour nap on either side of noon. You typically get about an hour or so nap around 5 and then we hang out until bath time begins at 8. Bath, Book, Bottle, Bed…and by 9, typically you’re asleep. You wake up around 2 or 3 in need of a fresh butt and a bottle, but then you’ll sleep til about 6 or 7. On the weekends, we’ve taken to letting you back in bed with us after you wake up in the middle of the night. I’m not sure if this is because we miss you, we’re lazy, or because we’ve generally had a few drinks and it’s easier than holding our own heads up!

It is so fun being your Mom. I know that you’re still a baby and everything, but I feel like in the last week or so you went from being a baby-baby to more of an infant-baby. I don’t know how to quite explain it, but maybe it’s just that your personality is shining through more and more. It’s so cool, discovering who you are and watching you discover your world. I’m so excited for all the cool things we’ll get to do together!

In the last month you enjoyed both Christmas and New Years and we managed to host TONS of friends at our house. It was a busy season. But I loved it and sharing it with you. I felt in a lot of ways like I sacrificed my time with you, but I am so glad that I have the memories built for myself and for others of these special days with you.

You and your Dad are buddies. It’s so funny to eavesdrop on your conversations (they’re pretty one-sided, but he’s alright carrying a conversation every once in awhile) because he’s so wrapped around your little fingers. I don’t think either of us would have it any other way.

You also have this hemangioma above your left eye. It was just a flat mark on your head when you where born that you didn’t even see…but pictures show that it was there then. But, it’s gotten bigger and bigger over the last three months and we’re going to a few specialist doctors to make sure that it’s not affecting your vision. It’s the mark that lets us know you’re you — but when it messes with your long-term vision, well…not ok. It doesn’t bother you at all, in any way, but I have to say that people asking about it and knowing that it’s right there, pushing your eye closed, it bothers me. And it’s my job – among others – to protect you and get you the absolute best care and best doctors. And I think we’re on our way to finding them to get past this silly hemangioma.

Regardless of that – or anything else – the last three months have been so incredible. I’ve met this new human – YOU – and have started to get to know you in all the best ways. I’ve changed hundreds of diapers, fed hundreds of bottles and changed your outfits lots and lots. I’ve watched your first smile and y our first laugh. I’ve watched you find favorite toys and even figure out how to play the piano…(ok, on the iPad, but still). You’ve met lots of friends and started school and you’ve just been so darn happy.

Even tonight, giving you a bath and while you and I talked (ok, I talked, you just cooed and babbled) my eyes just suddenly overflow. You fill me up, girly. You fill me up.

I love you, it’s that simple.

All my love,

 

Mom

Just Pencil Her In…

I’ve brought this on myself, I realize.

And I”m ok with that…

But tonight, I contemplated penciling in time with Elle tomorrow before the checklist of things to accomplish for hosting Jon’s Dad’s side of the family at our house at 2 p.m.

Yes, penciling in time with my daughter.

I felt like that was too Manhattan-ish for me, so I didn’t actually write it “Cuddle Elle” but I thought about it, which made me mad. But then I wondered, am I actually on to something that I’ll have to do in the future??

~~~~~~~~~

One of my oldest (longest…she’s not my oldest friend by number of years…) friends, Katie, is back in town from London with her husband Paul and their six-month-old son, Carter. Seeing Carter today at Elle’s second-try with Santa was TOO CUTE (Katie’s parents and my parents are members at the same golf course, and the course hosted a Breakfast with Santa this morning). It’s so awful some times when your best girls live far away, and these HUGE life things happen and you can’t share some of the day-to-day frustrations and triumphs of it all. But, anyway, it was so great to hug my old friend today and to meet her baby. Carter and Elle seemed to enjoy one another, too.

~~~~~~~~~

Santa came to the golf course breakfast this morning and Elle was awake (only because we practically pinched her) to meet him. She didn’t feel one way or another about Santa, which I didn’t figure she would. She’s not at a point where strangers freak her out.

However, Santa did come bearing gifts and Elle received a Detroit Red Wings Pavel Datsyuk jersey! Datsyuk scored a few goals for the Wings tonight, so I feel like it’s a good sign.

Weird, she now matches her Grandma and her Grandma’s Datsyuk jersey.

Hmmm.

~~~~~~~~~~

This post is a little random, so bear with me. I’m trying to get out all the things I’ve thought I should get into my diary-as-blog.

My Mom was given up for adoption (as a sidenote, I just struggled to classify adoption as being ‘given up’ as, in some cases, that is not an adequate description). Anyway, my Mom was adopted when she was three months old. Between the time she was born and the time she went to live with her Mother & Dad, there was maybe three months (give or take…I’m not exact on the numbers off the top of my head).

Elle is nine weeks old.

It occurred to me last night, as I was cuddling her and we were laying in bed before she went to sleep, that my Mom was in a foster care home at that point in her life.There was no “mumma” to love on her, no one who had seen her idiosyncracies since day one, no one that necessarily understood what which cry meant, who knew how to soothe her in the ways she liked to be soothed. I have a line that I’ve said to Elle over and over again since she was born; I sing her the same song at night when we’re in the rocking chair (for point of reference, it’s “Corey’s Coming” by Harry Chapin which, I know, is TOTALLY not a lullaby or anything close to it, but I like the story of it and the line that goes, “…that’s when he smiled and said ‘reality is only just a word’. I digress.).

Anyway, my Mom didn’t have that from day one. And not to say that she didn’t get it when she got to my Grandma and Grandpa who adopted her…but those early days, well, were different.

I’ve found myself, a time or two, contemplating what it had to have been like for my Mom’s birthmother (Judy, who my Mom found later in life and got to have a great relationship with) at 17 to have had a baby and then given her up for adoption.

I realized I don’t know the particulars. I don’t know if my Grandma got to hold her at all, for a day, for three days, before she had to go back to her life in an era when it was absolutely NOT ok to have a baby out of wedlock. How hard it must have been, to take that huge chunk of your heart and send it out into the world without your protection. I know that 17 is young, but you have to imagine that it would rip parts of you to shreds regardless of your age.

So, I held my nine week old girl and felt in most ways closer to my Grandma, who died in 2006, than I have before and in some ways I felt more removed. Because I appreciate even more now how hard it would be to have a child and let her go – whatever the circumstances. And because it’s hard, I feel like it would be impossible for me, so I don’t know how she did it. I felt sorry for my Grandma, that the era she was born into didn’t really allow for her to keep her baby – my mother. And yet, if she had, her life – and the lives of countless others – would have been indelibly different.

Actually, you think about all the people whose lives have been positively affected by my Mom being in them…my grandparents who adopted my Mom and all their relatives and family and friends; my Grandma Judy and the family that she built for herself and then welcomed my Mom and our family back into 26 years after giving birth to my Mom; my Dad’s family who know all of the sides of my Mom’s family and story; friends, friends of friends, my friends…I come with a lot of familial baggage to be certain, but I think it’s all positive and most people are better for having come in to contact with me and the craziness that is my family.

And to think, it centers around my Mom because of a decision her mother was forced to make in 1954.

I also found myself wondering if this is something that my Mom’s sisters (Judy’s four daughters with her husband, my Grandpa Jerry) had these feelings after they had their children. And how that felt, when it’s your Mom – not your Grandma – who you’re trying to relate to and understand through this new lens of motherhood.

A decision I can’t fathom being forced to make and that I wish I would’ve had the chance to discuss more with my Grandma, about what it was like, the emotions…because I feel like the empathy I have now for what that must have been like…

Anyway, I’ve just been thinking about this a lot lately…definitely helps to shape my view of how lucky I am to have my girl.

Ok…

~~~~~~~~~~

That’s all tonight. More soon.