I Was Supposed to be Skinny By Now

Let me start with a disclaimer…I feel better about my body right now than I did, say, three months ago.

I don’t feel great about the shape that I exist within, but I don’t abhor it either. I don’t particularly like looking at myself in the mirror before the shower, but I can swallow that bitter pill most of the time.

I’m working on it, I really am. Or, at least I’m talking about working on it. And thinking about trying. And some days, really trying. I went for a walk with Elle tonight when we got home from school. It was nice to be in the sun, to be with her, to be getting a little exercise. I didn’t go far, I didn’t go long, but I did go. And that’s half the battle. And I spent yesterday making my muscles sore, too. So I feel like I’m getting there…slowly – too slowly sometimes – and steadily.And the day before that, two hours digging and working in the pond. I work up a sweat, so that’s something.

But, here’s what happened today…I signed us up for Parent/Tot swim classes. And therefore, I was supposed to be skinn(ier) by now.

I’ve been super looking forward to it, truly. In my head, I don’t think I connected until TODAY that I, too, would have to be in a bathing suit. That requires – ahem – maintenance of areas. It also requires a bathing suit in which I won’t feel absolutely awful (that’s an oxymoron, for sure). It requires being comfortable and confident in my own skin. I’m going to watch a ton of Dove commercials before I go to the Y next Monday afternoon. Maybe that’ll help.

I’ve been preparing Elle for swimming class diligently. I’ve been splashing water on her face, letting the spray from the spout hit her and force her to get water in her eyes. I pour water over her head to rinse her hair. Tonight, I even filled the tub up a bit more than normal and held her and let her float, so she wouldn’t be totally scared of not touching bottom in the pool. I mean, I’m REALLY TRYING to make sure she LOVES the water and swimming.

However, I was not so diligent in my own preparations.

Gut punch (and reverberations because that gut-area is NOT taut…).

So, yeah, I was supposed to be skinny by now.

But I’m not.

So – what’s that Dove line? Love the skin you’re in? Yup, that’s what I’m going to do. Create a love-fest around myself to love the skin I’m in.

WISH. ME. LUCK.

Muffin Top

It’s not like I was an uber-skinny before I got pregnant. I wasn’t even in that great of shape. I would say that prior to peeing on that stick, I wasn’t feeling that great about the condition I had allowed my body to get itself into. I was pushing the boundaries of my size-12 jeans…but I could find a way to loving my body when I needed to.

But then, I got pregnant. I stopped drinking and ate a little bit better than normal. And I swear, I lost weight that first two months. And then, as cataloged here, I gained weight but not much. And as we know, I don’t make a habit of weighing myself. But, I’d guess I’m pretty close to pre-baby weight and if I’d eat just a smidge better, I’d probably be able to drop below that mark. I’ve been doing some running and more walking, but not much in the way of a dedicated workout program.

But today, I put on my size 12 jeans, buttoned them (sweet relief) and could still breathe. Success, right?

Wrong.

Why was so MUCH of my mid-section finding its way over the edge of my jeans? Ick. Ok, so I am not in a position to wear too-clingy shirts. Fine, I’m only verging on five weeks post-baby so that’s ok. Right? But…still. I am only briefly looking at my body in the mirror when I get out of the shower or after I’ve dressed myself. I’m just not loving my body right now.

Which brings me to…I need to get there. I need to get to a place where I feel better about myself and my body. I want to do that not only as a mother, but also for me. I don’t think it’s good to not feel positive about your body – and I want to set an example…for Elle, for who knows who else. And, I also don’t want to go out and wonder if people are thinking ‘wow, she really let herself go’ (don’t deny it, we all think that about people who, well, frankly HAVE let themselves go, especially after a baby).

Why do we women do this to ourselves? For me, it’s about how I feel about myself. I’m obviously not an uber-skinny in my size 12’s – I’m thisclose to plus-size and if I were a model, I WOULD be plus size (six sizes ago). But, I want to be proud of myself, my brain and my body. I want Jon to find me attractive still and not be put off by any ick I pick up along the way.

And yet, sitting at home all day long makes it hard to not raid the cupboards for a sweet treat or to just continue to fill my mouth with food. I’m trying and I hope to catalog here my sweet success in getting below my size 12 pants and gaining just a LITTLE more confidence in the way I look in my jeans.

So, down with the muffins…and the muffin top!