Muffin Top

It’s not like I was an uber-skinny before I got pregnant. I wasn’t even in that great of shape. I would say that prior to peeing on that stick, I wasn’t feeling that great about the condition I had allowed my body to get itself into. I was pushing the boundaries of my size-12 jeans…but I could find a way to loving my body when I needed to.

But then, I got pregnant. I stopped drinking and ate a little bit better than normal. And I swear, I lost weight that first two months. And then, as cataloged here, I gained weight but not much. And as we know, I don’t make a habit of weighing myself. But, I’d guess I’m pretty close to pre-baby weight and if I’d eat just a smidge better, I’d probably be able to drop below that mark. I’ve been doing some running and more walking, but not much in the way of a dedicated workout program.

But today, I put on my size 12 jeans, buttoned them (sweet relief) and could still breathe. Success, right?

Wrong.

Why was so MUCH of my mid-section finding its way over the edge of my jeans? Ick. Ok, so I am not in a position to wear too-clingy shirts. Fine, I’m only verging on five weeks post-baby so that’s ok. Right? But…still. I am only briefly looking at my body in the mirror when I get out of the shower or after I’ve dressed myself. I’m just not loving my body right now.

Which brings me to…I need to get there. I need to get to a place where I feel better about myself and my body. I want to do that not only as a mother, but also for me. I don’t think it’s good to not feel positive about your body – and I want to set an example…for Elle, for who knows who else. And, I also don’t want to go out and wonder if people are thinking ‘wow, she really let herself go’ (don’t deny it, we all think that about people who, well, frankly HAVE let themselves go, especially after a baby).

Why do we women do this to ourselves? For me, it’s about how I feel about myself. I’m obviously not an uber-skinny in my size 12’s – I’m thisclose to plus-size and if I were a model, I WOULD be plus size (six sizes ago). But, I want to be proud of myself, my brain and my body. I want Jon to find me attractive still and not be put off by any ick I pick up along the way.

And yet, sitting at home all day long makes it hard to not raid the cupboards for a sweet treat or to just continue to fill my mouth with food. I’m trying and I hope to catalog here my sweet success in getting below my size 12 pants and gaining just a LITTLE more confidence in the way I look in my jeans.

So, down with the muffins…and the muffin top!

 

“You Look Great”

I hear that a lot lately.

Which is nice, right?

But it’s like people EXPECT you to be a big, fat cow when you’re pregnant, I think. They’re surprised that I evidently don’t APPEAR ‘more’ pregnant (how, again, can there be levels of pregnant…you either ARE or you AREN’T.) Yesterday, a girl at one of my accounts asked me, point blank:

“How much weight have you gained?”

I wanted to respond:
“Wow, how’s that a valid question” or “Did you REALLY just ask me that in front of the entire crowd of people in this office?” but instead I announced: “Just over 15 pounds”.

In ANY other world, I would NEVER proudly announce my weight gain (especially 15 pounds). But yesterday, and other days, there I am, practically BRAGGING about my relatively small weight gain througout the first 33 weeks of this pregnancy.

Why am I doing that? How is that even nice to do for those girls who aren’t as fortunate as me and for whatever reason, gain more weight than I have. It’s not. But, this is is also my body that is out of my own control, so I guess…I can brag it up or not in all the ways I want. But as part of this female community, I should also be a bit more cognizant of those around me and the example I’m setting. How is that a fair standard, when we’re all different?

The girl at the Hobby Lobby on Saturday said “When are you due?” and when I told her said “Oh, I wish I was as big as you, I’m due Oct. 23”. And she was, in fact, not showing the way I was. But she also was wearing the Hobby Lobby-issue blue smock over her clothes, so it was hard to tell. Did you really just tell me you wish you were bigger…like me…? Really?

So, my thought today is WHY do people want to comment on the size of my waist? I mean, of course I KNOW why…but seriously?

I’ve also decided (but don’t hold me to this, who knows how I’ll feel post-partum) that I’m going to continue taking pictures each week to track the after-baby body. I mean, I feel like that’s the part that no one talks about or shows…how the miracle that is your uterus growing to 1,000-TIMES ITS SIZE retracts to its original state in a relatively short amount of time. Or how it takes awhile to NOT look pregnant…or…whatever. I don’t know what that little adventure holds, but I think I’m going to photographically catalog it to see how it goes…and to hopefully keep me on track with my post-baby ‘operation get my own body back’ thing.

Among other things, time really does seem to be speeding up. This weekend is really my last big hurrah to try to get the house cleaned up and in order. Going to be a bit crazy running around with some last minute things at work over the next several weeks. So, this weekend is a cleaning and whatnot extravaganza. I also called Hurley today to ask about a tour of the facility. I called the main number, which transferred me to labor and delivery. The nurse could NOT have been nicer, and she said to just call whenever I have time to come in, make sure they’re not too busy, and then just head in for a tour. Thought that was AWESOME. Doesn’t really get much easier.

Changed my doctor’s appointment to this Friday instead of next Friday. I’m to see Dr. Neubeck again, which will be good. This will push me into a probably 9/19 date for my next appointment. I’m going to see if I can get the doctor to send me for another ultrasound (why not?!)…and if I could, then I’m going to shoot for Monday, 9/12 because then Jon could go and I’d really like for him to see an ultrasound before she’s born. Think it might make it more real for him.

I also signed up for a Leadership Academy in our local community which is early in the morning’s. I saw it advertised in the School Bell and it sounded up my alley, and like something I would enjoy doing ahead of having the baby. So, for six weeks beginning the week of Sept. 12, I’ll attend this morning event once each week. Pretty excited about it and what it might mean for meeting people and being involved in my community, something I’ve always wanted.

Anyway, those are things I thought today…more soon!

L