The Sting Sometimes

It’s Saturday morning and I’ve been up for an hour.

What. The. Heck.

I have a golf tournament I signed myself up for at 8 AM, I’ve made plans for Elle to go to my parents this morning so Jon has the luxury to sleep in (something he loves to do), and when Elle woke up at 4:45 AM, it occurred to me it might not be a bad idea to get out of bed and call myself productive. That, and the fear of over-sleeping got me up and moving. I’m still on only my first cup of coffee, but have managed to accomplish unloading and loading the dishwasher (thereby cleaning the sink), putting away a bunch of random stuff on the counters, cleaning the kitchen dining room, steam mop the floors, make Elle’s bed, pick up Elle’s toys and books in her bedroom, fold the used blankets in the living room from last night and…take out the garbage. Not bad for an hour’s worth of work well before the sun comes up. I wish I felt the urge to rise early other days than just my day off!

Elle and Jon are peacefully sleeping, and I’m trying desperately to get back in the habit of writing, so here I sit.

I hope to catalog the good and bad of most things…

So, here’s the sting of what it’s like to have been pregnant and no longer be pregnant without having a child…it’s like the pang of stubbing your toe, where it’s a sharp pain instantly, a dull pain for awhile, then it’s gone. That’s what it’s like sometimes when I see a a) just a little hint of pregnant woman or b) set of twins. It’s weird, because I’m not terribly sad about the miscarriage (which I feel is a weird word with a stigma that doesn’t lend itself well to saying out loud…it always makes me think of Nancy Grace saying something like ‘this has been a miscarriage of justice ya’ll’ or something equally as stupid. But anyway — it’s not a huge deal. It’s not like I don’t KNOW and comprehend that it’s all for the best. But, when you open your iPad and the reminder pops up that you’re 13 weeks pregnant…that sucks a little. Or when you start your period when you were supposed to be pregnant. I get sad that we’re not talking to Elle about being a Big Sister (which, the shirt I bought that says “World’s Best Sister” is in the drawer that doesn’t get opened much, but of course the shirt itself is bright yellow, so there’s always a hint of it sticking out somewhere). I feel like the calendar exists at the moment for me relative to would-have-been. Not all the time, but sometimes. Like, when I think of my brother-in-law and almost-sister-in-law’s wedding in September, I think ‘we would have known the gender of the baby(ies) then’ and I remember that I had been really concerned about making sure that we found out well before the wedding so that I would be able to focus on the wedding and not my sheer pleasure in knowing what was coming into our lives. Or, thinking about Christmas and about how I figured that this Christmas would be all about getting ready for the new baby(ies). And about the office room which was to become the new baby(ies) bedroom, which I’ve mainly left the door closed on and tried not to think about touching it much at all because I’d already sat in that room and envisioned what it was going to look like with the crib I’d imagined, with a rocking chair, with a new rug and paint on the walls.

And all those things will happen for us – I know they will – but there is a sting sometimes to actually living a life in which you’d made plans with someone in mind and then that’s no longer an option. In fact, it’s much like losing other people in my life that I’ve loved and known. And yet – I didn’t know these children, but I knew and fell in love immediately with the idea of them.

So, sometimes it stings a little (not a lot) but, here are things that I don’t find difficult at all: being truly happy for those people I know who are pregnant, being excited for getting pregnant again and welcoming another child into our lives. Those things don’t scare me or sting much. But some of the rudimentary, day-to-day stuff does. Weird, huh?

Anyway — I have signed myself up for a golf tournament at our course this morning. I haven’t played in many tournaments out here as a grown up. None, in fact. So this is a new thing for me. I’m hoping that my cart makes it around the course (we’re having a battery issue) and that I play relatively well. I played nine holes in a scramble format last night at a course in Frankenmuth with some work colleagues/friends which was nice, but wasn’t really a good prep for a tournament. But, hopefully we’ll be done by Noon and I can continue being productive on this Saturday.

This is the first weekend this month that we’re just sticking close to home. The first weekend was the 4th, and Elle and I went upnorth. The next weekend Jon and I went to Boyne for the weekend for Jason and Nikki’s wedding and last weekend was Jen’s shower at our house. Which means that Elle has been off schedule on the weekends (throwing off the week) for nearly a month. Hoping that that ends today.

Well, as a by-product of my golf outfit for the day, I really must go shave my legs.

Enjoy your day!


Life Lately

As always, in my head I am writing a lot.

However, very few of the blog posts written in my mind make it to the screen. But, I have a hot second this evening, so I’m indulging and finally accomplishing a brain dump of life lately.

– Elle is AWESOME. She’s really a cool girl. Loves swimming and the water and has no fear in the lake or the pool. It’s scary, but it makes my heart a little lighter that I have a child who loves the water like I always did.

– Hosted a shower for my almost-sister-in-law yesterday at our house. It required a lot of work to get ready and a lot of work to get it cleaned up, but I was pretty happy with the way it turned out. I did learn one thing about myself when planning parties: if I don’t have a timing list for day-of activities, I can kiss being prepared on time goodbye. I had a day-to-day timing list to get everything done for the shower leading INTO the day, but I didn’t do one for THE DAY which made it hard to delegate tasks, because everything was just IN MY HEAD. So, lesson learned. Good lesson to learn, without crummy repurcussions.

– Jon and I went away to Boyne Mountain for a wedding last weekend and it was pretty much what we needed in our lives. It was good to be away from Elle for two sleeps in a row, to enjoy one another as grown ups without having to be active parents. It was all in all a really good time and it allowed Jon and I to have conversation – about little and big things – and it meant a lot to me. I’m looking forward to when it happens again, and I’m bound and determined not to let it take so long for the two of us to spend time just us – or child-less for a night. It really was lovely.

– I started WeightWatchers. To date, I’ve officially lost 9 pounds with a weigh-in day coming on Tuesday. With the amount of drinking I did this week/end for the shower, I’m certain I won’t have made a ton of progress, but I’m AWARE of what I’m putting into my body at the very least. Stay tuned for progress updates.

– Work is going well, but it definitely feels like in the last 4-6 weeks it picked up steam and we’re entering our busy season (which we are). August 6 I will have been at this job for one full year — I still remain amazed how fortunate I am for this job that I so enjoy just minutes from home. It’s a highlight for me.

– Elle and I have been going to Music for Munchkins the last few weeks. It’s about a 30 minute drive from our house, but it’s a 45 minute class with other kids her age and it’s something that she and I do together. I really like that. I like meeting other parents in this type of setting and feeling like we’re all doing the best we can, as our kids have meltdowns independent of and simultaneously. It’s good bonding for parents of toddlers, I think.

– A few weeks ago, I got pooped on my a bird as I stood outside my office at work. This morning, I went to drive down to Jon’s parents (he and Elle were down there) and rolled the windows down a bit. I heard a loud bird-squak and thought ‘man, that’s a close bird’. I wondered if it was stuck on the roof or something. Another loud squak and I think ‘man, this bird is FOLLOWING me’ and thought it was unusual. Only as I pulled in their driveway did I finally convince myself it was IN my car. And, Jon’s Dad investigated — and there it was, somehow in the back of my car   – I think it probably got in there while I was unloading from the back yesterday morning. It had been stuck in there for 24 hours on a pretty hot day. So yes, it turns out that this week will be a wonderful week for my car to get detailed — the bird poop is disgusting. I tried to clean it up as best I could, but it just grosses me out.

– Jon’s parents helped me get ready for the party on Thursday (I took the day off work) and I have to say that I just really love my backyard now that it’s all back on track. They really did help get a lot of stuff set up and cleaned up and it just made a huge difference. It’s a complete bitch to try to keep up with weeding, but with Karen’s help we got it all done. My arms finally got super sore yesterday. A good workout, a good time and a super productive day.

– My Mom is awesome. She was at the shower yesterday for Jen, but she cleaned everything up as the party went on downstairs. It was so nice this morning to not have to start the cleaning process, instead just continue the little bits that were leftover.

– I have our downstairs sort of put back together after the party. A good thing.

– Elle and I spent the 4th of July at Clear Lake. I loved it. I need to spend more of my time there. It’s where I find the most peace in my heart and my soul. I know that sounds corny/cheesy, but I don’t know how else to explain it. I love the home that Jon and Elle are making and I love various places on earth, but none so well as Clear Lake. And I have nearly always felt that way. It’s only now, in the last 12 months or so, that it’s easier to be there without my grandparents. I did not say easy. Just easier. But it’s still the one place where I feel the most me. Weird, right? But true.

– My old roommate and friend, Kristy, and her boyfriend Andy are renting the house next to ours. Which is great because now we have fun neighbors on both sides. After watching my parents and their crap-tastic neighbor situation, I really, really value having good neighbors.

Anyway, just a few thoughts before a new week begins. I’ll try to write more. Promise.