Ok, hear me out.
I’m seriously considering becoming a recluse of some sort. Perhaps a hermit. I’m not really certain of the proper definition. But, I’m considering taking myself out of rotation, at least on the friendship front.
For some reason lately I’ve been – more than normal – struggling with some of the friendships that exist in my life and how they reconcile to who I am/where I’m going/what I want. At least at this moment in time.
I feel like I have lots of shortcomings and lots of reasons why a person would NOT want to choose me as their friend.
At the same time, I feel the opposite is true. I’m loyal and honest – to a failing fault – and enthusiastic about the little things.
But for whatever reason, as a 30-something mother-of-one, I’m finding my friendships very hard to negotiate and understand. I’m finding that I may need to edit my real friends list (not my facebook friends list) in order to maintain a healthy, long-term friends list. (For those of you who are my real-life friends and not just blog-o-sphere readers, I don’t mean YOU).
Is it worth it to just STOP – to devote myself wholly to motherhood, partnership, civic and volunteer activities and fulfilling myself that way? I feel defeated many nights lately at my approach to friendship, at the way friends approach me, at the words and the actions used to maintain the friendships that exist in my life.
Of course, this post was brought on by a late night, over-cocktails conversation with a friend. Err, at least a once-friend. Not sure where it stands exactly now.
It was the most intelligent argument/confrontation that I’ve ever been a part of. But it was disheartening and I sit here this evening feeling confused.
As I grow older, as new challenges enter into my world, I feel that these inherent parts of me change, and I struggle with how everything and everyone else fits into those changes.
What makes me good?
What makes me vibrant as a person, as a friend?
Why would YOU want to be my friend – stay my friend? Because I’m really feeling like perhaps I don’t have a ton that I bring to the table to recommend myself as the friend I fancy myself to be.
I don’t know, I’m just not sure. To re-iterate, I’m just totally feeling as though I am not the friend that I want to be to others, but I don’t know how to transform myself into that [rtdpmwithout leaving behind the woman, the individual, that I work hard to be, too. Which is why I’m seriously considering abandoning all friendships – at least in the way I know them now – to pursue other avenues of fulfillment.
Will it work?
Will I be miserable when it comes to my personal life – or less so.
I’m not a good secret-keeper sometimes – which doesn’t recommend itself well in friendship.
I’m quick with a sharp tongue and sharp wit.
I’m brutally honest, even when I’m trying to temper my opinions.
I’m bitchy and opinionated.
I feel like I know myself – I guess I expect that others do too, that the people I call friends do at least.
And then, on nights like tonight, I begin questioning why someone – ANYONE – would choose me as their friend. True blue, stuck like glue, friend.
Because I’m all of those things above that I listed.
I guess if I were writing a resume for friendship, though, here’s how I’d sell myself:
- Determined to bring joy, happiness and fulfillment to those individuals who qualify as friends.
- Seeks innovative and resourceful approaches to creating feelings of value and relation in variety of audiences.
- Views friendship as an extension of self and thereby a statement on one’s own accomplishments.
- Will get down in the shit with you.
- Will be as drunk as you when the going gets tough and when the goings are good.
- Creates memories and experiences for friends, friends of friends, family of friends, family and more.
- Continually sources new individuals to forge both historical and contemporary friendships.
I don’t know folks.
I just don’t know.
I didn’t know that as I got older – grew up, ugh – that I would struggle in such a large way with friendships and how I exist within their construct. I feel as though I am failing at being a friend and I just don’t know…I think maybe I just need to take a step back and into myself and be more self-absorbed than I have been in my life, and maybe that will create an environment in which I understand better what friendship means. Or – am I SO self-absorbed even at this moment that I can’t get beyond myself to understand how I relate to my friends in the moment?
I value friendship above most other things in this world – and it may be even the most valuable thing in love, too.
But, am I any good at friendship? And if I am, how? Because I’m just not sure that I am…and if I’m not (shit!) what does that mean, and how do I get back to being better?
Perhaps, taking a hiatus and becoming a recluse?
Ideas – Welcome.