Dear Mom: Come Home Soon

Alright, this is pathetic, frankly.

My mother has been out of the country at my cousin’s wedding in the Dominican Republic since Sunday morning. And today, about 3 p.m., was when I reached my ‘ok, you can come home now’ limit.

Don’t think that my Dad’s not with her – he totally is. But I don’t talk to my Dad EVERY day. I talk to my Mom EVERY day. At least once. If not eight times — because some days call for that many phone calls.

Some days, I regress and call her eight times until she picks up the phone because I frankly can’t believe there’s anything ELSE she would rather be doing than talking to me.

Spoiled, I know.

But – and I’ve been thinking about this for some time now – I sincerely hope that I am the kind of Mom my Mom is — that Elle and I grow into the same kind of relationship that she and I have. It would be a shame not to, really.

So, there’s my big woe-is-me today.

Come on – at least I’ve got my Mom to call still, to talk to. At least I know I’ll see her again on Saturday morning. Lots of people don’t have that. So I know that I’m lucky.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I want my Mom to come home soon.

I’ve come to know this as a mother myself — but sometimes a girl just needs her Mom.

Mommy Confession #1

It’s supposed to be that a mother loves motherhood above all things and her child more than that, even.

And I do.

I find being Elle’s Mom completes me in a way I didn’t expect that it would.

However, I have a confession.

Last night, we were across the street at Rick & Jen’s (Jon’s brother and his gf) having dinner, grilling out and having a bonfire. It was awesome. Perfect laid back Saturday night in which I drank far too much wine. Which could be a confession in itself.

But, here’s the real one.

The fire was beginning to flame, Elle had awoke from what I thought was down-for-the-night sleep and Jon’s Mom and Dad, who’d come over, were taking turns hanging out with her outside, wrapped in a few layers of blankies.

It was getting very dark and very cold.

It was time for Elle to sleep.

My wine glass had about 3 sips left in it.There was more wine to be drunk and the fire was really starting to flame.

Elle becomes extremely irritable and I take her inside to rock her/feed her/soothe her/lay her down, etc. And as I lay there on the living room floor where Elle was dozing off to sleep, I wondered how long I’d been in there. Wondered if anyone missed me at the fire.

So I confess, I wanted to be doing cool shit, like hanging out by the fire, not laying on the floor of Rick & Jen’s living room, hoping against hope that Elle would fall asleep and stay asleep.

I realized in those moments, alone in the quiet of their house, that a mother’s job is to sleep a little less in order to get to do both the ‘cool shit’ and the required Mom stuff. I thought back to growing up, my younger cousins, my aunts disappeared inside the cottage for stretches at a time, and then reappearing to continue sitting by the fire/around the counter/around the table.

Sometimes, you have to hit pause on the cool things you’re doing as a Mom and do the Mom things that aren’t as cool. Because that’s what we sign up for when we take on this whole Motherhood challenge.

I confessed this last night around the fire and I said that people should talk about it being ok to feel this way sometimes, because it IS ok to feel that way sometimes. Jon’s Dad (who I love, btw) said he thought it was ok to feel that way but not to say it out loud. Which convinced me that I was writing it here – because some days, mom friends reading this, there are interludes where you may want to be, you know, sleeping instead of rocking your baby, reading a book instead of making a bottle, enjoying a glass of wine instead of changing a diaper. And that is OK. It is normal. It is healthy. And there’s no need to not do the cool shit — you just have to fit it in around the Mom stuff some times.

The guilt that comes with motherhood is absolutely unparalleled to anything else of which I’m aware. Doesn’t mean that I don’t love being Elle’s Mom and that I don’t love motherhood itself — it simply means that I’m searching for balance and finding it is hard. 🙂

 

 

 

 

Epic Mom Fail

I get a kick (and take a weird pride) in the diversity of Elle’s closet. She’s a little girl, she’s well-supported (a nice way of saying spoiled) and she’s got lots and lots of clothes.

As you know, she also attends ‘school’ three days each week. I haven’t yet had to send her in a repeat outfit…which is sort of sick and wrong, but…lots of cute girl clothes out in the world, what can I say?!

Anyway, at school you take extra diapers, extra wipes, binkies and extra sets of clothes. Two to three sets of outfits for the I-just-shit-my-pants-at-school moment.

I try really hard to make sure that they are always well-stocked. As evidence, I’ll tell you about this morning… I dropped Elle off at school and I proactively ask the teacher, Miss Crystal, “Is Elle running low on diapers here?” and Miss Crystal says “Actually, I have a note that I was going to send home that we’re going to need more diapers soon.”

Ah ha! I’m on top of my game. I make a mental note (which got lost, for what it’s worth) to take a package of diapers with me when I pick Elle up. I’m ahead of the teacher’s note – I’m SO on my Mom game!

I sent Elle to school in a long-sleeve white t-shirt, blue polka dot “Daddy’s Sweetie” short sleeve onesie (featuring a cupcake) and pink pants (which actually doesn’t sound cute, but trust me).

I walk in to pick her up (without that package of diapers I was going to remember) and she’s in the bouncer (her favorite!). She is not, however, wearing the same outfit she was sent to school in.

And I realize, in horror, that I have not re-stocked the clothes options at school in, well, two months. Since Elle grew out of 0-3 and into 3-6 and is now on the verge of 6-12 month sizes.

Horror of horrors – my kid is wearing the only option that must have fit. Except I use the word ‘fit’ EXTREMELY loosely (or tightly, maybe?).

I took a picture to catalog this event.

Here’s Elle several months ago in the same outfit she came home from school in this afternoon:

Not the best angle, but you get that the general idea. Here’s what she looked like today in that SAME outfit, three months later…

You see how the pants have become shorts, the long sleeves have become short? Yes? Ok. Today we chalk up to Mom Fail. But at least I laughed at myself!!

In General, Today

Just a few thoughts top of head…

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. I was not here on the actual day to celebrate with Elle, but…such is my life right now. However, I got home today and started going through Elle’s lunchpail (it’s the thermal tote from thirtyone with her name on it, a gift from Molly). There’s a whole little white lunch sack folded up in the bottom of her lunchpail and I realize: IT CONTAINS VALENTINE’S.

Shit.

I saw the signs at the daycare when I was dropping off/picking up in the lead up to Valentine’s Day. I even thought ‘that’s nice that they do that for the bigger kids’ and went on my way. I got Valentine’s Day cards printed and mailed them (real mail!) to her friends and relatives. But I did NOT purchase the cliche box of Valentine’s and give them to the kids in the infant room.

So, I’ve been trying to decide if I feel like an asshole mother for not doing this. Will the other mothers judge me that their kid didn’t get the same amount of Valentine’s as they gave? Will their kid even know the freaking difference?! I guess I felt that I really was ahead of the game by sending out real live Valentine’s early…and then I return from the road today and just feel like a giganto-turd-Mom.

Oh well.

There’s always next year, I suppose.

~~~~~~~~~

I kid you not – I began thinking of things to do for Elle’s first birthday party (mark your calendars friends and family, October 13, 2012 is right around the corner). [Elle’s birthday is definitely the 14th, but I already evaluated dates and the 13th is it].

Seriously?

Seriously.

And then I tried to minimize my own judgement on myself by thinking ‘well, if I decide on a theme NOW I can pick up items on sale/clearance as I find them’. Which sounds good IN THEORY but I’m not a huge bargain shopper and have a tendency to change my mind. So it’s much more likely that I’ll just wind up with party decor for three different first birthday parties.

I even went so far as to Google the football schedules for Michigan/Michigan State to see if Elle’s birthday could have a football rivalry theme (nope – Michigan play Illinois; Michigan State plays Iowa).

~~~~~~~~~

I get to meet Holden this weekend (I’m hoping!). A fresh, new, cuddly little guy. So excited to meet him!

~~~~~~~~~

Last night, my Mom was watching Elle because Jon had a meeting to go to. Jon had called my Mom earlier in the week to coordinate this plan – which I was so proud/glad that he had done.

I called my Mom earlier in the day while she was still at work and asked her if she would call me later, when she was with Elle, so I could talk to Elle before she went to bed.

My Mom called me on her way home from work to catch up and say she was on her way to see Elle (who was with my Dad and Grandma) and have dinner. I asked her again to call me later on and she says she will.

I watch the clock. It’s 7 p.m. so I go to the gym at the hotel. I get in a 30 minute work out and figure that I’ll hear from my Mom any time. I wait. I text ‘hey don’t forget to call me and let me talk to elle’.

Nothing.

I think, well, they did go to my Grandma’s for dinner, so they must just be hanging out…can’t believe that Elle’s not cranky for them.

Finally, at 9 p.m. (which is about an hour after Elle’s bedtime) I call my Mom.

She reports that Elle got a bath, got her medicine, is sleeping soundly…and I’m in tears on the other end of the phone, in a Homewood Suites in Indianapolis, hundreds of miles from my baby for the second night in a row.

I finally manage to collect myself enough to remind my Mom that she was supposed to call me and let me talk to Elle.

Silence.

She had TOTALLY forgotten.

I made my Mom feel bad (which was not the point, but it did make me feel better since I felt so rotten, at least I had someone else in the rotten trenches with me…) but I was so disappointed.

It’s SO FREAKING HARD to be away on all these over nights. I need to find a job that doesn’t require me to travel each week; find a way to be home, develop a consistent schedule for our family. But, I also need to pay the bills and this is the way. This is what it is. I have to do it. And it SUCKS friends. It totally SUCKS. I cry every night when I’m gone. I cry as soon as I get home and see my happy, smiling girl.

I forget that it’s only been about five weeks since I returned to work and I’m still working out exactly how this will play out…but it’s hard to be optimistic when I’m spending SO MUCH time away from my girl.

And then, you read those dumb baby websites and the emails you sign up for from them and they’re talking about perhaps the best way to celebrate your baby’s first birthday is with your FIRST OVERNIGHT away from your child.

HA!

If only.

If only.

~~~~~~~~~

That’s all – good night.

Day In The Life: February 2012

The “Day in the Life” project is hosted quarterly by Navigating the Mothership. I think you should check out her blog – I enjoy following her! The Day in the Life’s are cool to read and they seem to grow each time they’re hosted. Can’t wait to see what this winter’s holds.

If you’re interested, check out the Mothership blog and see if you’re up for it.

If you want to see what mine looked like when I did it the first time, here’s mine from October 2011, one week before Elle came to our world.

And without further ado, here’s mine for Winter 2012.

Enjoy!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

6:56 a.m.: Elle’s awake. Time to get medicine, a bottle and the like going for the day. (Let it be said that Jon took the middle of the night dining event, so that wasn’t a part of my day).
7:00 a.m.: Here I don’t have enough hands to make the bottle, get the medicine and the whatnot going – so Elle takes refuge on the floor of the kitchen. And no, the floor is NOT clean. Whatev’s.
I choose the Avent bottle over the Playtex Ventaire bottles for no particular reason, other than the Avent’s are clean and the Playtex are all used and need washed.

Here’s Elle (still laying on the floor) getting her medicine. It’s propanalol for her hemangioma and it’s working wonders. She gets this dosage three times each day.
Elle loves her medicine AND the mornings. Here’s our happy girl!

7:03 a.m.: Bottle made and medicine administered, it’s back to Elle’s room to photograph the evidence as well as change a diaper.
The blanket made its way to the floor in the middle of the night, and I had to use the flash to shoot this photo because it’s still so dark out.

7:13 a.m. : Here are Jon (gray sweatshirt on the left), Elle and I laying in bed as Elle eats breakfast. Let me add the disclaimer that MANY of the photos you’ll see of me are unfortunate looking…but whatever, this is my life.

7:17 a.m. : This is what I find in the living room upon my entrance this morning…the remnants of Jon’s Call of Duty Modern Warfare festival last night. In other words…a bean bag chair and the boppy on Elle’s blanket, in front of the tv. Glad that the boppy has found good use – holding up Jon’s rear for marathon COD events.

Just another view of Jon’s setup for COD playing.

Playing with her feet – a new trick of Elle’s! The blanket was made by my grandma’s sister in law, my Aunt Julie.

Realize that my camera time and actual time are off by several minutes. Take this photo to be able to calibrate the timing for my Day in the Life blog.

7:18 a.m.: NEED COFFEE. Dunkin Donuts Hazelnut is my absolute favorite these days. One scoop per two cups for this gal…does that make it weak? I don’t know if it does or doesn’t, but it sure makes it taste good.

For the record, I realize after I take this photo that the clock on my coffee maker is horribly wrong, so I set out to fix it. I thought it was going to be one of those awful things…but turns out, I just had to push ‘hour’ until it came back to 7 a.m. and I was done. TOO EASY.
7:24 a.m.: I notice this stack of ‘stuff’ in the kitchen next to my dying Peace Lily. The pile includes anything out of the dishwasher that Jon didn’t know where it went. A cutting board and a decorative appetizer plate. Put those away…

Speaking of, I decide to try to figure out why the lily is dying. Because it’s really pitiful.

Over-watering seems to be the culprit. I dump the water out from the container and jot a mental note to stop watering the thing. Realize that I haven’t watered the poinsettias by the front door in over a month, but they’re still doing alright so I don’t worry about it. I’m hoping they die anyway.

7:28 a.m.: As mentioned in a previous post here, I recognize that my kitchen counters really need to be wiped down, so I grab my favorite stuff (which I can no longer find at the Dollar Tree) and begin cleaning the countertops. LA’s Totally Awesome, Lavender.

Were you wondering where Elle was this entire time? Me too. No, kidding, but she was back in bed with Jon for some quality snuggle time, which allowed me the time to clean the counters and get ready for the race.

More to come on that whole race thing…

Evidence that I fixed the clock, at 7:43 a.m.

And, with that the coffee is FINALLY ready.

I grab my favorite cup, so that it can make it into “Day in the Life” blog. It says “Peace Also Takes Courage”. The coffee tastes better out of this particular mug.

Notice the spilled coffee spot on the counter…I hadn’t gotten around to that side of the kitchen with my Totally Awesome yet, but I did manage to do it after the photo.

As I’m now snapping pictures, I realize that the scene with Elle’s bottles and mine (mine are the ones with wine in them) is kind of a neat (weird) photo, so I capture it. Also, I really wanted you to see how cool that compass thing looks on the wall of my kitchen. Honestly, that’s really why I took the picture. It was a Pier One purchase, but it’s supposed to be an outside decor thing, but I loved it for my kitchen. So there.

8:53 a.m.: Text back and forth with Molly after turning on Good Morning America and the local weather. Turns out, that after the weirdest winter ever where it was like living in the Carolinas or something, winter had finally come to mid-Michigan. It was seven degrees with a wind chill of -12 (so it felt like 12 below for anyone who doesn’t understand wind chill). Molly and I had been planning to run the Sweetheart 5K in Flushing all week, but the weather seemed to be a big road block for me. But, I’d said since the first of the year I was going to run this race. So, I text Molly to see if she wants to back out.

No, she says, reminding me of Rocky with her reference to Eye of the Tiger. She’s in if I’m in.

Ok, crap, I’m in. This is gonna be cold.

Yes, it’s going to be cold. I gather my cold weather gear, including long johns and Dri Fit shirt. That was layer number one. To prove it, I took a picture. I apologize for the body…but…it’s what I’m working with!

8:05 a.m.

Molly is picking me up at 8:45ish. Race registration opens at 9 a.m. and the race begins at 10 a.m. For the record, I printed off the registration form and began to fill it out. Except, I realized only too late that I had written my last name and Molly’s first name onto the form. I swear. So, ripped it in half and threw it away. Only to realize that the directions on how to get to the school were on the sheet. So, I dug through the trash and set my mistake paper into the bag to take with.

8:18 a.m.

Jon and Elle are in bed, and she’s awake, waiting for him to wake up. We hang out in our room just taking photos for my blog and talking about the day. I tell Jon he can always run Elle to my Mom and Dad’s if he wants to get started painting our room, or if he needs to get the driveway cleared of last night’s snow.

This is for photographic proof that I do exist and hold my baby…but since I’m the one that typically takes photos, I have to force others to capture the moment with me and our girl.

Jon’s enthusiasm for my blog and being awake is short-lived.

8:25 a.m.

I’m set and ready to go with more layers to add on waiting at the stairs for Molly’s arrival.

Waiting for Molly to arrive…

Elle and Jon, watching morning cartoons!

Here, a photo of my Valentine’s gift from Jon’s Mom, Karen. She loves orchids and got me own of my very own that I swear I’m not going to make look like the peace lily.

8:45ish: Molly arrives and picks me up. I grab a couple of bottles of water on the way out the door.

9:25 a.m.: Arrive at Flushing Central Elementary. Here’s Molly’s pre-race look.

9:45 a.m.: 15 minutes til race time, I’m just snapping pictures to post to my Day in the Life. Here we are in the elementary school gym. It was pretty well-attended for a race that faced down sub-freezing temps.

9:59 a.m.: One minute til race time. Here’s the crowd amassing for the start of the race.

Here are Molly and I. Again, an unfortunate look about me, but whatever. This is what I looked like for the race. It was cold, so I was certainly not about to make this a beauty contest!

For the record, I did put on eyeliner and a bit of foundation just to try to make myself look a bit better.

10:28 a.m.: Not sure where I was on the race course, but here’s what my run generally looked like. Like running in sand, the snow sucked to run in, but I kept pushing. Not like I didn’t stop and walk, but I felt good that I did it at all. All I wanted to do was finish, and I did that and in a semi-respectable time!

There was one couple who I ended up keeping pace with the whole time. They would jog and then walk, and I was on sort of a separate jog/walk schedule than them. With just two tenths of a mile to go, I had jogged past them and they were walking. I took off my headphones, said ‘come on, I’ve followed you guys the entire race, I’m not going to finish ahead of you now.’ and we chatted across the finish line. That’s them, holding hands as they cross the finish line. I thought it was very non-competitive (or, perhaps, VERY competitive) of me to do this. Either way, it made me feel good.

About this time, Jon probably took Elle to my parents so he could begin painting after he got the driveway shoveled. Just so you won’t wonder where Elle is when you keep reading…

11:07 a.m.: I’m waiting for Molly in the car. She arrives after completing the 10K. Woohoo! Go Molly. (Forgot to take a picture, but she looked pretty much the same as she did pre-race, except with redder cheeks (hello, wind!).

11:22 a.m.: Bob (Molly’s man) was working on a roofing project around the corner from the race and was freezing. He asked for some coffee, so we stopped at this gas station to pick up a cup for he and his buddy. When I say ‘we’ I really mean ‘Molly’. I didn’t get out of the car, and just let her…Nice of me, right?

I also captured the moment with a self-portrait.

11:30 a.m.: Bob and his buddy get off the roof of the airplane hangar where they’re working to grab the coffee. I tell them I need a picture so I can post it to my blog. The buddy thinks that sounds cool. I don’t let him know how semi-dweeby it really is…because I personally think it’s cool too.

Bob had the door to the hangar open and asked if we wanted to see the planes. What a treat (and, I thought it’d make my Day in the Life seem uber-cool, too). So, we parked the car and hopped out.

Here are some snapshots:

Acting (not very well) like I’m going to start the plane by turning the propeller (isn’t that what it’s called, I had a total mental block when I was getting this pic taken).

In the meantime between the race and the plane hangar, Andrea texted and asked if Jon and I wanted to do pizza and cards at their house later. I get a hold of Jon and he says ‘sure’. So, we now have dinner plans!!

11:42 a.m.: Head to Bob Evans for a post-race breakfast. I totally forgot to take pictures of the food, but at least I took a photo to prove we were there. By the way, I’m SO getting a quart of soup to go (they have them on special for $5 to go). It’s a great deal and it sounds so, so good. That’s probably going to be dinner tomorrow night if I can help it!

12:09 p.m.: And, just to prove I paid the bill, here’s evidence of what I actually ate.

12:30 p.m.: Home again, home again jiggity jog. Here’s a picture from our driveway out onto our backyard and the golf course after the night before’s snow.

12:45 p.m.: We are painting the blue color on our walls in our room today and this is a ‘before’ photo. I have better before photos of the room – this was just for the day’s cataloging purposes.

1:32 p.m.: Progress on the cutting-in. Ugh, tedious. And the color is a BIT brighter than I anticipated. Of. Course.The good news is that I turned on the Pandora “Old School Rap” station, and Jon and I are completely enjoying the tunes.

 

2:00 p.m.: Still painting.

3:00 p.m.: Still painting. And the Old School Rap station is now repeating songs. Been at this too long. Good news is, Jon and I had decided we’d paint til about 4, get cleaned up, pick up Elle (oh yeah, she was hanging out at my parents house so we could focus on painting) and head to Frank and Andrea’s by 6. Good plan.

4:57 p.m.: Still painting. Or rather, I’m still painting. Jon quietly washed his brush and grabbed a snack and watched some dumb show on E! after the 4 o’clock mark hit. When I asked what time it was and he said “Oh, almost 5.” I about fell off my stool. So, I finished up what I was doing and got ready to go. Sweet, no shower after the race and painting all day. Whatever. They’re not our friends because of our cleanliness, I suppose.

Here’s how much further we got with the awful paint in the looks-like-painters-tape blue.

 

5:06 p.m.: Select an outfit that doesn’t make me feel awful and slap some make-up on my face. The bathroom is a mess, because we just tried to get everything OUT of our room, and the bathroom worked at the time. Not so much now, but it did at the time.

I also decide I’ll show you how gross it was behind the bed and under the dressers when we moved them. The dust mop is holding my clean-up rag for painting but the dust bunnies…ugh. I was disgusted. I thought I had a relatively clean house. Not so much.

Time for the make-up. (And a different bathroom).

 

5:12 p.m.: Well, not too shabby for not showering at all.

I need to run and pick Elle up from my parents house. I suggest to Jon that he shower while I go grab her.

So, I need shoes. Unfortunately, I’m still wearing white athletic socks. And I choose the black and white heels. Bad choice in the ice and with the socks. But, here were my choices sitting outside the garage door…

5:13 p.m.: Opening the garage door and heading out to get Elle – nine houses down from ours.

Treacherous driveway.

And with a windshield like this, it could be scary. Evidently, when Jon moved cars around and pulled mine in to the garage, it hadn’t had enough time to warm up.

5:14 p.m.: Didn’t let the car warm up very long, did I?

Here’s our house in the snow.

And, nine houses later, here we are at my Mom & Dad’s.

5:15 p.m.:

Here’s Grandpa, making pork chops (or something that smelled equally as delicious).

My Grandma, Ruth, is in town visiting at my parents. She claimed Elle was totally happy until my Uncle Bill had arrived. So, we are proving here that Elle isn’t 100% happy ALL. THE. TIME. And, she loves her Uncle Bill. So. It is what it is.

5:17 p.m.: Uncle Bill and my Dad.My Uncle Bill has been doing a lot of genealogy research on our family and I asked if I could be a D.A.R. and he found about four ways I can. So, he was telling me all about it while we were there. I tried to wait for my Mom to get home from the grocery store, but it didn’t work out that way. We had to get our show on the road.

Here’s my Grandma – Elle’s Great Grandma. So glad she and Elle have been able to meet one another!

5:21 p.m.: Still waiting on my Mom. Elle and I take a self-portrait on the couch. For the record, Jon dressed her for the day. Typically, I lay out clothes for each day but didn’t before I left on Saturday. Jon’s a snazzy dresser generally and he did a good job dressing Elle. Not an outfit I would have put together, but terribly cute. Purple long-sleeve onesie, purple fleece pants, purple socks. Lots and lots of purple – but at least it all coordinated!

Here’s the view from the couch and my senior year headshot above the fireplace. That handsome guy adjacent to me? Uncle Trevor!

5:47 p.m.: We have now gone home, picked up Jon and got back into his car to head to Frank and Andrea’s. I tell Jon about my Day in the Life project and he’s grouchy about it and tries to look out the opposite window instead of on the road. Which makes him mad. He snaps at me. We sit in silence for about 7 minutes until he cracks. I win. And I got the picture!

6:11 p.m.: Arrive at Frank and Andrea’s.

Greeted by Drew on our arrival!

7:27 p.m.: Capture a photo of Jon, Elle, Frank, Steph and Tim (Andrea’s sister and brother-in-law). We had just finished eating pizza and salad.

8:18 p.m.: Girlfriend needed a diaper change AGAIN. And this one was bad. It was reminiscent of hummus. Uck. Ucky uck uck. She, however, couldn’t be more pleased with herself.

We hang out at Frank and Andrea’s, don’t play cards and just chat away. I drink about a bottle of wine. I cuddle Drew up and just have a nice time with our friends. Great night.

Jon drives us home. We get home about 11 p.m.

10:47 p.m.: Spotted…a man in a forever lazy.

Had to snap a picture because it cracks me up that he loves that thing.

10:55 p.m.: Snap a good night picture of Jon and I before he plays Call of Duty and I watch Grey’s Anatomy on the iPad.

10:58 p.m.: Elle had slept on the way home and we put her in bed. She woke up a little and instead of waking her up to change her and properly feed her, I just stood there and fed her the rest of her bottle. And it worked like a charm. I snapped this photo to end the evening.

11: 10 p.m.: Laying in bed, checking “Texts From Last Night” and playing some silly games before turning on Grey’s.

11:15 p.m.: Turns out, I fell asleep before the first commercial of Grey’s. Oops.

Great day, good night. And it was all just a day in my life!

 

Because I’m a Mother

I am among the most fortunate people in the world, I get to be a Mom to a girl I adore.

I say that, because I just finished a major crying bout.

Now, don’t say ‘ohhhh, why, Lindsay?’ or any of that sad stuff. Nothing to feel bad about or to be down about. Other than being a Mom, I suppose, and the perennial feelings of guilt that go with that.

As you may know, Elle has this hemangioma dwelling above her left eye. She was born with it. I’ve blogged about it. We’ve gone to the pediatrician and the dermatologist who have both said ‘do nothing – it WILL go away, sooner rather than later’. The dermatologist assured us (ok, me) that it’s probably breaking up already and that it’s really nothing to worry about. And that the medicine to treat it causes heart issues and the lasers to make it go away cause scarring.

Better to do nothing.

Thank you, experts. We will trust you (at least for now).

…

Tonight we went to a birthday dinner with Jon’s family. I love family – mine, his, ours (keep that in mind as you read) – and was glad that we were going. I like that we have a life that allows this type of celebration, sharing of time and space and experience. It’s important to me, to the life we are creating for Elle and ourselves.

Jon and I, among the many things we have in common, have the same number of aunts from our Mom’s. Yes, each of our mothers has four sisters.

Tonight, each of his aunt’s managed to ask before anything else ‘what does the doctor say about that thing above her eye’.

Not ‘How’s she sleeping?’ or ‘God, Lindsay, you look great 12 weeks post-delivery’ or ‘Jon seems like a good Dad, is he?’ or even ‘Is she sleeping through the night?’

Nope, none of that.

Instead,  I practiced my smile and my ‘rest assured I couldn’t possibly have heard what you just asked me’ look. I took it in stride. I knew, as Elle’s Mom, that I had sought out not just a pediatrician’s opinion, but also that of a specialist who came well-referred. I don’t see the damned thing above her eye when it’s just us, but when other people are involved, and I see them looking at the thing – well, then it’s in my mind.

And so is my self-doubt

And my racing mind was not put at ease by the remarks of:

“Ooooh, you went to that doctor? I’d for sure get a second opinion.”

I gave myself some time alone in the midst of the party. I was glad to have it. I tried to quiet my mind. I tried to forget about what these women were saying. I know that I’m an intelligent individual, that I have access to better health care than many – most. I am strong, independent and in control.

It’s who I am.

It’s what I do.

So why was I reduced to tears as I tried to get myself together after these comments?

My baby is PERFECT.

She’s wonderful, and happy. Among other things, she is well-loved and smiley and sleeps halfway decent and is growing like a weed and…I could go on and on.

So why am I hung up on what some women who I have known just three years have to say?

Because I’m a mother.

I drank too much wine at dinner because I couldn’t deal with it (yes, escapist, but whatever). The wine – and tomorrow’s hangover – will not have been that good or very worth it. But, I had to do something and causing a scene wasn’t in the cards (though I did try).

My baby was born and it turns out she has this strawberry mark – that she was born with, a la, a birthmark – above her left eye.

She’s happy and healthy and good-mannered and SO LOVABLE.

And yet.

And yet.

I cried driving home.

I cried, holding Elle and rocking her once we got home.For a long time, it felt like.

Not because I was sad that they had pointed out something ‘different’ about my baby – but because I was helpless to it.

It’s a fact that Elle has this mark above her eye.

It’s a fact that it will go away in its own time and that we DON’T KNOW that it will.

It’s a fact that the first thing people see about my baby – my wonderfully happy, healthy, smart, little girl – is the red mark above her eye.

No, AT&T repair man, I did NOT drop my baby.

No, teacher, it did NOT rupture and you do not have to treat her differently or care for her differently because of the red mark above her eye.

No, Aunt soandso, we don’t need it biopsied. It is not cancer. But thanks for your positive energy.

No, stranger at the grocery store, I did not do a thing wrong while pregnant to cause my baby to be born with a mark above her eye. Stop staring.

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Jon says ‘There’s a big red mark above her eye, people are going to look.” He’s so practical. But, our family aren’t ‘people’. I can handle ‘people’. But, our family aren’t just ‘people’ in my mind (though they’re quickly on that track to becoming just people). Family are the folks who hold you up when ‘people’ drag you down. But tonight, that’s not what it felt like. Not what it felt like at all.

 

And, this is just one mark above her eye. What about the mommies and daddies who have children who have something actually, seriously, wrong? I mean, I’m upset about a birth mark and the comments made?! It takes a strong person to be a parent, it turns out. And I’m so, so lucky. And trying to be stronger.

 

And here’s why I cried…

Because I can’t stop them staring. I can’t stop the comments, I can’t stop the questions. I can hope, only, that it goes away before she’s old enough to get the questions herself. Because the staring and the wondering isn’t something I can always protect her from. Because there are things beyond my control – especially other people – and I want SO BAD to protect my girl from that. Any of it. Ever. Whether it’s a mark above her eye or something else.

 

It’s that thing that men don’t understand.

“Why are you crying, there’s nothing you can do.”

“I’m crying because there ISN’T anything I can do.”

 

Tonight’s blog was supposed to be about the joy I got laying on the floor staring up at the ceiling fan with Elle.

About how laying on the floor and watching her tiny little hands stretch out in front of her, clasped, toward the ceiling makes me fill up. About how while she was watching the ceiling fan, I was watching her. About how the precious moments in which I get to stare at the ceiling, doing nothing but being present and soaking in the gift of my girl, center my world.

It was supposed to be about ceiling fans.

Instead, it’s about being a mother.

Elle’s mother.

I would not trade it for anything, ever, in my whole life, my whole world. But rest assured, for those of you who make the comments that compel me to tears, I’m done crying.

I’m in protect mode now.

Best of luck to you.

You have made me feel helpless and hapless – and I will not permit that feeling to be forced upon my daughter. I am strong – stronger than you – and I am standing up.

For me.
For my daughter.
I. Stand. Up.